I can't honestly say I didn't have the time to sit down and reflect on all the happenings of 2010--I can say I didn't make the time. That is something I need to change and I am more aware of that now than ever before.
Two years ago, I almost died, and recently, I came very close to losing my husband. I wish I could say that I had my "lightbulb moment" when I was ill, or even after I recovered--but I didn't. I believe that God, the Universe, or whoever your higher power is does send you messages in your life; sometimes through the people in your life and sometimes through the events in your life.
Apparently, God gave me a "poke" through my illness, and I didn't get it,
so. . .here we are two years later, and I got more than a poke--I got a sledgehammer to my heart and mind!
When you come close to losing your partner in life, it is so difficult to explain or put into words, the feelings it evokes. Everything you thought about the present, and especially the future starts to crumble, and you are forced to think of the possibility of "I" instead of "us"--as much as you try not to (and believe me--you try not to!) You feel you're at the mercy of something beyond your control--because you are. If you're a planner, and an organizer (ME!), this is God's way of reminding you that you only have control over things in your life, but NOT life itself. My emotions were on a roller coaster between scared, sad, and pissed off. I wished it was me that was sick (because then I would have more control of course!). Of course it doesn't help when you're living in "hospital world" which truly is like an alternate universe where time and dates just blend into one another.
My husband is doing better at the moment, and this time I GOT THE
MESSAGE(S)!:
Don't fool yourself into believing that age or health guarantee you time. Health can change on a dime, and when that happens, everything else changes too.
Don't try to control life--it's great to be organized and plan, but not if it prevents you from actually living life. In order to truly live, sometimes you have to stop planning, and just go and do. Some of the best moments in life might be those you didn't plan for.
It's okay to think about life without your spouse, and come to terms with the fact that it will be that way one day--either for yourself or your spouse. Someone will be left behind, and that person will be alone in this world. Children, family, and friends will be a part of your life, but they can't and shouldn't take the place of your partner in life.
So, for now, I'm glad to have my best friend, lover, and partner in life back with me, and doing well.
Oh, and God--thanks for the wake-up calls--I got it now, so. . .ENOUGH!
